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A face of no emotion. But you see a Painted Clown

By Harvey - Added May 6th 2019

Kat contacted us as follows: I wondered whether you would share this post for me he's written by one of my students who has ADHD and extreme anxiety. At schooll he is labelled the problem child and is subsequently not been in school due to anxiety yet school say his behaviour is his choice. Why is this so important? Here is Harveys words to explain why.
"If I can help anyone relate or stop them ending up like me then I want them to know they are not alone. Somewhere out there are a lot of people like me but are too scared to open up. So I want to help them begin this process".

"A face of no emotion. But you see a Painted Clown"

I am emptiness. I am distant. Everyone appears blurred, I'm not ignoring you some days I can't get out of my own head I just need time. I know there are people that love but you can't see that. You're alone. You see me laugh make or hear me comment everyone laughs everyone can make a comment but that's a mask you think you see me but that's my painted face. That face you say is a painted clown. Many say I waffle, I can't get to the point. Those who are brave enough to see the real me say this too but they look back now my words bring them clarity.

Didn't you get any sleep? It feels like this, but only feels like not physically. When there's sleep there is knowledge. when you are awake you are aware of certain things. When I am awake I feel oppressed constrained into a box by my own mind and by educations stereotyped ADHD box. As day passes, more knocks, more scowls more judgement. How I feel I can't trust; the more awake the stronger it feels.

I'm dissociated. I am paused. I am inattentive ADHD. Every second going down a road lost in a lost thought. We all do this I just do it more than you. I don't realise when I go. I rarely know how I get here I don't recognise where I go.

I am distanced. I am white noise. 'Simple things are not so simple' so when you ask me take out my why are you wearing that pass me this pull out your work. Multiple demands = multiple speeds. 'In a minute' . Then I'm ordered do it now then it often ends up in a fight. To just stop what I'm literally doing or what I'm thinking to do something else is extremely stressful no matter how 'petty' it may sound.

I am fight. I am anger. I am switched. When I am angry I feel numb, I don't feel. Yet, breathing makes my lungs hurt, my head pulses, my heart hurts. My ears scream. So how can I not feel as I punch, as I outburst as I grab something sharp pierce a pillow pierce my skin. My red mist pierces with words. But mainly I'm not angry at you. You just caught me at the wrong time. My outbursts are because my mind is flooded. Anger gives me adrenaline. The adrenaline alights. This is my fuel.

A lot of people think they see me but they are blind. So they make more demands, find another volume switch. When I lose it they are just words its not personal. Punishment at this point adds petrol to my fuel so I just fight back harder they harder you cry the harder I fight.

Fight or flight. Fight an instinct we all have but my fight is my attempt to flight. In school I cant literally fight so I have to flight. I need to leave, find a new room but I'm trapped. Rapidly pushed into that oppressive box. Please I need to flight this train track takes an automatic turn. Please I'm afraid now my mind is in fight. Flight for survival. Flight from fear.

My conscious streams; everyone is different in their conscious mind everyone is specified to their own my but made to conform to others but they should be allowed to appear as their own unique mind would it be weird to be just real

My stream of consciousness.

Ends.

"Judgements, Stereotyped limited views on ADHD and anxiety stop you from opening up. Staying shut being what others want leads to anxiety. Anxiety leads to depression. Depression leads to suicide.
I know. I am you.
Talk to your parents now before its too late".

(The target over the last few sessions has been to use his developing growth mindset to produce a piece of creative work regarding his perceptions on his ADHD and extreme Anxiety. After 20minutes of him questioning the validity of his thoughts, he then spoke fluently. This is a continual stream and unedited. He spoke I wrote. This is the result).

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